I guess I should take it as a sign of how my priorities and emotions have changed that I wanted to write about my feelings concerning my son and daughter rather than my drunk husband.
However, I don’t want to give the impression that my life is all Peaches and Cream and that I’m perfectly happy living with a drunk.
Our latest fight went something along these lines…
I was upset with him because we made plans to be intimate on a certain night. On this night, however, he drank so much-so quickly-he was passed out before 6:00 pm. When I saw that he was already passed out, I elected to sleep on the couch (thankfully, it turns out) Because early in the morning I went back to bed only to find that he had peed himself.
Later, trying to protect his fragile feelings, I did not bring up the Pee Incident. I did, however, bring up my disappointment concerning our missed intimate “date” that I had been looking forward to. He immediately jumped on that, saying “Well, it isn’t as if you do anything to turn me on… You don’t exercise and you’ve gained weight. All you do is sit there and stuff your fucking face with sweets. (Add an additional large number of derogatory statements and cuss words here that I don’t even have the desire to repeat.) ” Unlike you, I make an effort-I hike every day, I exercise.”
At that point my incredulity and hurt would not be held back. I admit, I snapped and it went something along these lines: “Are you fucking kidding me!?!? Whatever exercise you are doing is not enough to counteract your drinking. You aren’t so fucking hot yourself, and I’m not exactly turned on by your body either (as I poked him in his big, doughy belly). Especially when you’ve pissed all over yourself!”
I went on…”Do you really think it’s a turn on when you get so drunk you pass out? Do you think it’s sexy when all you do is lay there on your back if we are intimate? You think it’s irresistible when you’ve gotten so drunk that you’ve peed all over yourself?!?!” “Please,” I said, “let me know all about how fucking sexy that is. Maybe another woman can enjoy all that obvious ‘sex appeal’ but as for me, I’m just married to you, I don’t want to have an affair and yours is the only dick around. Sexy has nothing to do with it, believe me.”
Later he apologized, of course. What else do I expect? I apologized for my rough words as well; I was sorry I was so hurtful in response to his cruel attack, but I was not sorry I said what I did. I could not believe the picture he had of himself as some healthy, irresistible sexpot.
Apparently my words had some effect because now, towards the end of the year he is once again talking about how he wants to “drink less” and be healthier. Ready to start this game again? This time, the rules are different. I am not so invested anymore–I know he can live without me, and I can Certainly live without him. I’m not worried as much about my two oldest children, and my youngest–well, she may actually benefit from not being around a drunk all the time. Let the games begin!