Day Zero-drinking again

At this point in my life I can look back at what I’ve gone through and be extrememly thankful that I am no longer where I was. I can remember those feelings vividly, though, and I understand I don’t ever want to go back to that place.

The husband is drinking again, daily. No job. No car. Stupidly (I understand my limitations) we are back together again. However–I must say this time is different. LOL. Yes, I realize how that sounds but I don’t mean this time is different because everything will be better or perfect. This time is different because I am different.

By this point I have been through enough that I know where my limit is. I know how far I will let things go before I let go. I figured out I can live without him (and truthfully found out it is actually waaaay easier) and I don’t have to deal with the BS.

So he drinks every night, but right now he doesn’t do all the things that he once did. I warn him not to take it too far. Sometimes he tries to make me feel guilty for it but he once said to me “I know if I misstep I’m out on my ass.” Not to sound too harsh, but he’s right. Because if I have learned anything lately it is that I DO NOT have to live the way I was. I REFUSE. And I gotta say I’m far better off for it.

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Day 130–107 for me–A Wonderful Day

Today was a wonderful day–really.  I awoke to peace; no grunts of discontent escalating into quickly whispered commands of action then to raised voices and finally yelling matches concerning how we don’t agree on the course of action concerning our children. 

That is what I wake up to almost every other morning. Our son got into trouble with prescription medications (IMAGINE THAT!) and my husband is now focusing all of his thoughts and resources on every possible bad action my son could be making.

My husband and I do nothing alone together, and as re-building a personal relationship was another one of our goals for him coming back, it has turned out to be yet another disappointment. My husband will not even go for a 15 minute walk with me around the neighborhood if it means leaving our son alone for those 15 minutes. To me, it feels like just another excuse, another lie. I feel like my husband does not really want to build our foundation again, but for whatever reason–revenge, perhaps?–he won’t just leave. He seems to be set against any opportunity I offer to be alone together–a walk, the movies, even a date-night locked away in our room so we can create a better relationship. All are shot down, and when I ask him for suggestions I get nothing. 

As I look back to the time I spent alone, I do realize that the time was too short. I needed more to fully develop the person I was becoming by being able to step out of the shadows of an alcoholic relationship. There wasn’t really time for the cement to set, so those newly brought to light beliefs were still malleable when my husband returned, and it did not take too long before many things started settling back into the same old routine.

BUT—not all. I still have the increased consciousness about how it felt not to deal with the drama. Now when I talk to my husband I can see he is reluctant to meet my needs in many ways but he cannot give me a reason as to why. We are nearing the end of our lease at our current residence. With that renewal, I noted to my husband that we have not made the changes we needed to in order to continue fighting for this relationship, and mentioned that we should probably split when the lease is up. I did not do this to threaten. I am fully aware now of what it means to live on my own with the children and I am willing to give up whatever this thing is with my husband. For though I love him dearly, these days I loathe him more than I like him, and all the days are filled with a sameness of my husband focusing on my son’s error and my husband never forgiving him for it and my husband telling me how I always do this and that and how he hates it and I was defending myself at first but now I’ve stopped because I suddenly realized my husband has no idea what I really think or believe and he has painted a picture of me that no matter what I tell him will remain set. And when I stopped arguing with his assessments of me and started agreeing, and using that as a segue to point out it seemed that pointed to us being incompatible, he decided he needed to have some alone time and left Friday after I got home to go stay at his dad’s rental property. (Which is a stone’s throw from a liquor store, and he just got cash by pawning some of his stuff. But no, no reason for me to be suspicious.)

He left me here once again to handle the children alone, and when he called to touch base and asked if my son was home I told him no, I’d let him stay the night at his friend’s house–my husband then scoffed at my decision as though I give my son no boundaries or rules. My husband told me he is ‘bowing out’ of the issue of watching what my son is doing and will let me take over the situation. He is doing this–in my opinion of course–so he will be able to fling more blame on my shoulders if my son is not the perfect paragon. This is no way to have a relationship. No way to raise children seeing their parents at constant odds, suspicious of each other’s motives, never believing the other is doing what is best for the family, just whatever will make them be the one who is RIGHT.

But for today–my husband was not here when I awoke. I did not miss him, in fact, I basked in the peace his absence created. He will return tomorrow and it is with a small amount of dread that I think of that, but I will not let it ruin the beautiful time I am having.

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Day 103–Life is Grand!!

Day one hundred and three, and life is wonderful! It is perfect and could not be better. The hubby has not been drinking for 103 days (and I haven’t for 80) and everything is just as it should be!

No, not really. I just figured I’d try it on for size. I really hate to say this after having whined about his drinking so much, but things have not gotten that much better since he’s quite drinking. He started off with such lofty goals before he came back…promises that he would attend AA once a week, get a job, help me wean our daughter from slipping into our room at night to sleep with us (and then proceed to take up the entire bed), stop nit-picking our children, etc.

Turns out, so many of those promises were forgotten, written off as the things he had to say for me to allow him to come back. I’ve stood strong-ish on some of my boundaries, but my resolve to turn over a new leaf and focus on me has completely gone to the wayside. I regret that we are still together less than I am happy about it. But I still have moments where I think “This is it? This is my happiness?”

The road stretches in front of me in a never-ending deluge of excuses…hearing him count the days and only somewhat understanding how much it means, how hard it must be for him. I cannot fully commiserate because while he has quit drinking, so many of the negative habits we’ve all developed over the last 15 years have not simply gone away. They linger, many even amplified by the fact that he is sober, and still acting like a major asshole. I hope for the strength to continue to praise him for his.

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Day 31–To Thine Own Self Be True

When my hubby got his 30 day chip, I felt very proud of him. I looked back at some past quotes and realized I am coming across kind of wishy-washy. Many times I do feel the ups and downs, but I must make the point that I am overall happy

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Day 30–Another Milestone

The hubby successfully made it to Day 30. I am very proud of him and life has been much better since he has been back and non-confrontational. It isn’t just that he isn’t drinking, he has had an internal change of heart and is focusing on making things better. I am trying to support this by making my own changes for the better.

We still have a long road ahead of us, but for now I am happy enough with our direction.

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Day 29–Planning For Day 30

Today we looked at sites for AA meetings so hubby can get his 30 day tomorrow. He seems reluctant to go back to AA…we will see what tomorrow brings.

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Day 28–What’s New?

If it were not for the drinking, I’d think nothing had changed. Makes me concerned for the future but who the heck knows. Not too much to reoprt today.

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