To Pee or Not to Pee

I guess I should take it as a sign of how my priorities and emotions have changed that I wanted to write about my feelings concerning my son and daughter rather than my drunk husband.

However, I don’t want to give the impression that my life is all Peaches and Cream and that I’m perfectly happy living with a drunk.

Our latest fight went something along these lines…

I was upset with him because we made plans to be intimate on a certain night. On this night, however, he drank so much-so quickly-he was passed out before 6:00 pm. When I saw that he was already passed out, I elected to sleep on the couch (thankfully, it turns out) Because early in the morning  I went back to bed only  to find that he had peed himself.

Later, trying to protect his fragile feelings, I did not bring up the Pee Incident. I did, however, bring up my disappointment concerning our missed intimate “date” that I had been looking forward to. He immediately jumped on that, saying “Well, it isn’t as if you do anything to turn me on… You don’t exercise and you’ve gained weight. All you do is sit there and stuff your fucking face with sweets. (Add an additional large number of derogatory statements and cuss words here that I don’t even have the desire to repeat.) ” Unlike you,  I make an effort-I hike every day, I exercise.”

At that point my incredulity and hurt would not be held back. I admit, I snapped and it went something along these lines: “Are you fucking kidding me!?!? Whatever exercise you are doing is not enough to counteract your drinking. You aren’t so fucking hot yourself, and I’m not exactly turned on by your body either (as I poked him in his big, doughy belly). Especially when you’ve pissed all over yourself!”

I went on…”Do you really think it’s a turn on when you get so drunk you pass out? Do you think it’s sexy when all you do is lay there on your back if we are intimate? You think it’s irresistible when you’ve gotten so drunk that you’ve peed all over yourself?!?!” “Please,” I said, “let me know all about how fucking sexy that is. Maybe another woman can enjoy all that obvious ‘sex appeal’ but as for me, I’m just married to you, I don’t want to have an affair and yours is the only dick around. Sexy has nothing to do with it, believe me.”

Later he apologized, of course. What else do I expect? I apologized for my rough words as well; I was sorry I was so hurtful in response to his cruel attack, but I was not sorry I said what I did. I could not believe the picture he had of himself as some healthy, irresistible sexpot.

Apparently my words had some effect because now, towards the end of the year he is once again talking about how he wants to “drink less” and be healthier. Ready to start this game again? This time, the rules are different. I am not so invested anymore–I know he can live without me, and I can Certainly live without him. I’m not worried as much about my two oldest children, and my youngest–well, she may actually benefit from not being around a drunk all the time. Let the games begin!

 

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What a Crazy World!

My oldest daughter has been “seeing” an Indian man for about the last 3 years or so. I’ve heard the ups and downs of the relationship and I’m not exactly the biggest fan of the things that have gone on.

After speaking with my mom and getting the “You can’t pick your in-laws” response to my concerns that this relationship may grow into a marriage, I started looking at the issues I have.

He comes across to me as a ‘metrosexual’ he dresses in designer clothes…one set of which likely costs more than my entire wardrobe.

He is very concerned about how he looks…his Facebook pictures are rife with photos of himself. The ONLY time I’ve seen him post a picture with my daughter in it was when she was a part of a larger group photo.

It is amazing to me how he can so studiously avoid any reference to my daughter on social media–ever. They have been together 3 years, and living together the last year, and he has made Absolutely NO Mention of her, and what she means to him. He posts plenty ab0ut his trips with his friends, his love of shopping, love of shooting guns and bow-and-arrows, his motorcycle. Is it weird, or am I concerned over nothing?

I may assume this could be a cultural thing, but I have seen a number of his friends post pictures of themselves with girlfriends, also speaking of their affection.

She told me (I’m hoping in jest) that I should look for an engagement announcement within the next year. I want my daughter to be happy but I’m not really seeing how this can really be it for her. I don’t think he is a bad guy–except for the fact that he basically told her she needed to move out of his apartment on at least three separate occasions, knowing she could not come up with the money to move on such short notice.

I want my children to be happy. I would love to share a bond with their future spouses. Are all mother-in-laws bound to be witches? How do you overcome your reservations?

 

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Expectations

Sadly, this does not directly relate to a drunk husband, but to expectations. It is Christmas time, and I’m looking at my expectations of my children. Most of the time I have very few expectations of…regard…if you will, from my grown children based on the experiences we’ve had in the past. Perhaps I can be forgiven for having some expectation during the holidays, despite everything.
I understand that I must now reap what I’ve sown in the many years of struggle and strife. How difficult it is, though, to know that I am not a primary stop in my grown children’s holiday schedule. I received a call from my son tonight, a response to my request that he call me that I made via facebook. I thought we may travel to my parents’ together to save him some money.
Turns out he was at my brother’s house–who never really talks with me–and my son had gotten off early from work. There is a lot of back story involved here, not the least of which being I co-signed on my son’s apartment and he has (or possibly HAD) a job that he hates.He told me he took off work early today. I wonder if he still has this job, and would not doubt that he may have ditched it and not told me.I also started to wonder if he really only has Christmas Day off, or if that was just the lie he told me so he didn’t have to spend any more time with me–with us.
I couldn’t believe how badly it hurt to have my son tell me that he was at my brother’s for Christmas Eve, and that rather than stopping by our place on Christmas morning, that he would just meet us at my parent’s place. I let him know that if the weather is bad, we may not go, so whatever. There was an uncomfortable silence between us and he said “what do you mean?”
I knew he was reacting to the “whatever” and I was trying desperately to not let him know how hurt I was. The pressure on my chest pressed the voice from my throat. My mind desperately raced to circumvent the seizure on words my emotions had caused. “We can get together anytime”, I finally managed to scrape through. I must have been convincing enough to him, because he said ” OK, I love you, I’ll talk to you later.”
Truthfully, my thoughts immediately started towards resentment. I have felt like I’m an outcast in my family so much. So now to feel like I’m not even a priority in my children’s lives–it hurts. Yet sadly, I totally understand where they are coming from. I am reaping what I’ve sown, I assume.

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Back Again-But Guilty

It seems odd to be visiting this again–I am certainly no longer in that same place I was so long ago when I first started this Blog. I feel almost guilty for not feeling the same way I did when I first started. My improved circumstances, while far from perfect, have lead me to finally understand that I was right when I considered the depth of problems I hd before.

I no longer feel so helpless. My two eldest children have left; my daughter is in college–is switching her major and will likely be done with her 4-5 year next summer–and my son has turned 18, but has been out of the house practically since he was 16.

My poor youngest child grows up with the threat and reality of near-constant bickering and arguments between her father and me. Despite all of that, she insists that the thought of her father and me divorcing is too much for her to bear. She seems to think she will be happier in this life that is often closer to quasi-misery than not in it at all. And I–I question her and make decisions based on her input, as if at nine years old she could possibly understand the repercussions of this life. I don’t understand them at 38.

I’ve felt often since the “resurrection” of our marriage that he is still not putting the right amount of effort in it.

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Day Zero-drinking again

At this point in my life I can look back at what I’ve gone through and be extrememly thankful that I am no longer where I was. I can remember those feelings vividly, though, and I understand I don’t ever want to go back to that place.

The husband is drinking again, daily. No job. No car. Stupidly (I understand my limitations) we are back together again. However–I must say this time is different. LOL. Yes, I realize how that sounds but I don’t mean this time is different because everything will be better or perfect. This time is different because I am different.

By this point I have been through enough that I know where my limit is. I know how far I will let things go before I let go. I figured out I can live without him (and truthfully found out it is actually waaaay easier) and I don’t have to deal with the BS.

So he drinks every night, but right now he doesn’t do all the things that he once did. I warn him not to take it too far. Sometimes he tries to make me feel guilty for it but he once said to me “I know if I misstep I’m out on my ass.” Not to sound too harsh, but he’s right. Because if I have learned anything lately it is that I DO NOT have to live the way I was. I REFUSE. And I gotta say I’m far better off for it.

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Day 130–107 for me–A Wonderful Day

Today was a wonderful day–really.  I awoke to peace; no grunts of discontent escalating into quickly whispered commands of action then to raised voices and finally yelling matches concerning how we don’t agree on the course of action concerning our children. 

That is what I wake up to almost every other morning. Our son got into trouble with prescription medications (IMAGINE THAT!) and my husband is now focusing all of his thoughts and resources on every possible bad action my son could be making.

My husband and I do nothing alone together, and as re-building a personal relationship was another one of our goals for him coming back, it has turned out to be yet another disappointment. My husband will not even go for a 15 minute walk with me around the neighborhood if it means leaving our son alone for those 15 minutes. To me, it feels like just another excuse, another lie. I feel like my husband does not really want to build our foundation again, but for whatever reason–revenge, perhaps?–he won’t just leave. He seems to be set against any opportunity I offer to be alone together–a walk, the movies, even a date-night locked away in our room so we can create a better relationship. All are shot down, and when I ask him for suggestions I get nothing. 

As I look back to the time I spent alone, I do realize that the time was too short. I needed more to fully develop the person I was becoming by being able to step out of the shadows of an alcoholic relationship. There wasn’t really time for the cement to set, so those newly brought to light beliefs were still malleable when my husband returned, and it did not take too long before many things started settling back into the same old routine.

BUT—not all. I still have the increased consciousness about how it felt not to deal with the drama. Now when I talk to my husband I can see he is reluctant to meet my needs in many ways but he cannot give me a reason as to why. We are nearing the end of our lease at our current residence. With that renewal, I noted to my husband that we have not made the changes we needed to in order to continue fighting for this relationship, and mentioned that we should probably split when the lease is up. I did not do this to threaten. I am fully aware now of what it means to live on my own with the children and I am willing to give up whatever this thing is with my husband. For though I love him dearly, these days I loathe him more than I like him, and all the days are filled with a sameness of my husband focusing on my son’s error and my husband never forgiving him for it and my husband telling me how I always do this and that and how he hates it and I was defending myself at first but now I’ve stopped because I suddenly realized my husband has no idea what I really think or believe and he has painted a picture of me that no matter what I tell him will remain set. And when I stopped arguing with his assessments of me and started agreeing, and using that as a segue to point out it seemed that pointed to us being incompatible, he decided he needed to have some alone time and left Friday after I got home to go stay at his dad’s rental property. (Which is a stone’s throw from a liquor store, and he just got cash by pawning some of his stuff. But no, no reason for me to be suspicious.)

He left me here once again to handle the children alone, and when he called to touch base and asked if my son was home I told him no, I’d let him stay the night at his friend’s house–my husband then scoffed at my decision as though I give my son no boundaries or rules. My husband told me he is ‘bowing out’ of the issue of watching what my son is doing and will let me take over the situation. He is doing this–in my opinion of course–so he will be able to fling more blame on my shoulders if my son is not the perfect paragon. This is no way to have a relationship. No way to raise children seeing their parents at constant odds, suspicious of each other’s motives, never believing the other is doing what is best for the family, just whatever will make them be the one who is RIGHT.

But for today–my husband was not here when I awoke. I did not miss him, in fact, I basked in the peace his absence created. He will return tomorrow and it is with a small amount of dread that I think of that, but I will not let it ruin the beautiful time I am having.

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Day 103–Life is Grand!!

Day one hundred and three, and life is wonderful! It is perfect and could not be better. The hubby has not been drinking for 103 days (and I haven’t for 80) and everything is just as it should be!

No, not really. I just figured I’d try it on for size. I really hate to say this after having whined about his drinking so much, but things have not gotten that much better since he’s quite drinking. He started off with such lofty goals before he came back…promises that he would attend AA once a week, get a job, help me wean our daughter from slipping into our room at night to sleep with us (and then proceed to take up the entire bed), stop nit-picking our children, etc.

Turns out, so many of those promises were forgotten, written off as the things he had to say for me to allow him to come back. I’ve stood strong-ish on some of my boundaries, but my resolve to turn over a new leaf and focus on me has completely gone to the wayside. I regret that we are still together less than I am happy about it. But I still have moments where I think “This is it? This is my happiness?”

The road stretches in front of me in a never-ending deluge of excuses…hearing him count the days and only somewhat understanding how much it means, how hard it must be for him. I cannot fully commiserate because while he has quit drinking, so many of the negative habits we’ve all developed over the last 15 years have not simply gone away. They linger, many even amplified by the fact that he is sober, and still acting like a major asshole. I hope for the strength to continue to praise him for his.

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